I personally didn’t feel anyway when I read it but when I logged onto Twitter and read the angry, hurt, annoyed tweets regarding this article I had to log off. Ladies (and gentlemen), this has become a vicious cycle. Someone publishes an article about why we aren’t this and that and we react all emotional while the author, speaker, etc sits back and says, “See they are proving me right”.

It’s time women start knowing who we are. Who cares what other people say. If you truly know who you are to the core it wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t apply.

Some of you spent the majority of their day talking bad and tearing down Slim Thug for what? He is ONE man in a world of many men. 85% of you women will never even cross paths with him. Why waste your time and energy angry at him and what he said.

All you did was make him, the magazine and the writer a trend topic. People who’ve never even heard of Slim Thug googled him. But we have great men out there like Raphael Saadiq, Dee-1, Sonnie at Inkstarzz.com, Raheem Devaughn and so many more men who are constantly calling woman Queens and lifting us up w/ their work & we ignore it. They can’t even get a ReTweet from most of you.

What does that say about us Ladies? We can’t take a compliment, we like to focus on our negatives, and instead of us staying away from people, conversation, and ideas that don’t uplight us we gravitate towards it and give it our energy.

Let’s change our mind set women, change our focus, the more we bitch and complain the more we attract things to bitch and complain about.

I’m not giving Slim Thugs comments a pass. I’m saying WHO CARES! He doesn’t affect how I live my life and as long as I’m out here living like a woman who is about something, I know his comments weren’t directed at me. (Sidebar: truth be told 99% of you who were cursing him out today will be repeating his lyrics this summer)

We need to start silencing stupidity and ignorance. Instead of constantly breathing life into it. It’s up to us to change the view of women, especially Black Women. Through our lifestyle have to walk with integrity and confidence, not allowing negativity to penetrate out mainframe. And the more we give props to the men who are treating us like Queens and REWARDING THEM with our energy the less relevant negative comments will become.

I still have faith…

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake .

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

I’m writing this open letter to you because you deserve to know what I’m about and what I’m not. Allow me to first admit that we’ve probably already met or at least have crossed paths at some point in our lives and I must say that you are beautiful. You might be asking yourself how I know you’re beautiful if I don’t know who you are. I just do and I know you are. I want you to know that I worship your dichotomy and it’s what makes you so attractive. Now I’m going to tell you a little bit about myself. I’m selfish for all the right reasons (I want to be a good husband; Obama isn’t the only guy who can be a great role model for the black family, etc.). Also, don’t like me because I go to church, love me because I have a relationship with God. This is important because God will be the head of our house. My gender is very good at doing the things you like because we know you’ll like us back. However, we can do all those things and still not be those things. With that being said, I also understand you’ve been hurt in the past. Please allow me to apologize on behalf of my gender for our ridiculous behavior. My only request in that regard is to not convict me for another man’s mistakes. You have my promise that I will be the best husband I can be! If I mess up here and there, I’m sorry, I’ve never done this before – being married that is – so please be patient with me. Please believe the neighbors WILL know my name. But before you get all excited, I want you to know they’ll know my name because they’ll recognize a good husband and father when they see one and I’m a community leader, NOT because we keep them awake all night while we’re having sex. That’s not a good look to me. I won’t keep you too long because I know you have things to do today. Finally, I must admit that I’m not perfect and therefore don’t expect you to be. So, I’m not coming with a laundry list of demands and requirements or attempt to entertain you with what you have to “deal” with. Most importantly, I just ask you to be yourself. Love has no expectations. See you soon, have a great day!

Sincerely,

DeJuan

I waited, I waited, and I waited some more and still hadn’t gotten a reply. So I took it upon myself to write the reply I’d want to get.

Dear Future Husband,

Your letter was thoughtful and sincere. I look forward to connecting with you. I don’t have a list of do’s and don’ts, but do us both a favor and watch the video. That’s all I really want, the rest will come and mature itself as we spend more time together. I can’t wait till we get together. Have a great day!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGxmuvrLOCY

XOXO,

Your Future Wife

Click here for Questions 1 - 5

6. Why does it take so long for a man to recognize a good thing? They’ll take a good woman through hell and high water then leave her for some trifling female only to realize the first woman was the right one. Just because it doesn’t work out with the next chick doesn’t mean you were the right one. A lot of times we know we come back to you to we’ll tell you we made a mistake and didn’t know what we had. It’s all BS just to get you to take us back because we don’t want to be alone. I also advise you to not force anything. You may think he’s good for you, but you may not be good for him. NEXT!

7. Steve Harvey said that a man will not be able to focus on a relationship seriously until he has fulfilled three things: wealth, status, and respect, is that true? Yeah, I’d say it’s true if a man is focused on longevity; if it’s a “just for fun” relationship, not so much. The keyword in this question is man. Not every guy is a man. By that I mean some of us are boys, guys/dudes, and men. Being able to understand who’s who makes a world of a difference when dating. Don’t confuse a boy, guy/dude for a man. Please don’t.

8. If a man didn’t have any positive role models of a black woman in his life is that really a sign to get the hell outta dodge? I’m not sure I even know of a guy who doesn’t have a black female role model in their life. If anything, I’d suggest for you to just be his friend and show him how positive a black woman can be. If you try to become anything more and it doesn’t work out, how different are you than the other black women in his life?

9. How do you define an open relationship? Is that just really a fancy way of saying “I want to cheat”? No, but it’s a fancy way of saying, “We’re more than friends with benefits but we’re not officially an item.” I always found open relationships to be a waste of time. Why not just call yourselves friends with benefits? That’s what you are. Basically you’re allowing me to have sexual relations with whoever I want as long as I know who comes first? Open relationships sounds like something I’d hear on the first day of a Swingers 101 class.

10. What’s up with this new trend of black men wanting something other than a black woman? Have black women really ruined their reputation that bad that men now feel they can’t handle a black woman so someone of another race is easier to tolerate? Sounds like a case of ABS (Angry Black Woman Syndrome) if you ask me. As for me, I’m not obligated to be interested in or date black women because I’m black. However, black women are my preference and my first choice before any other race. I wouldn’t go as far as to say black men can’t handle a black woman. That’s suggesting we’re incapable of doing so. I’d say that we don’t want to deal with the attitudes/personalities we find common with black women. However, I will admit that saying another race is easier to tolerate is an accurate judgment to make. Also, I wouldn’t even call it a trend. More so, we understand that our options with women aren’t limited to the black female. Same for women; date whichever race you want. We won’t get mad.

Ladies, I hope this was informative for you and you can discuss these answers during the next girls’ night. Mind you not all men think or behave this way, but I’d argue a fair amount of us do. If you have any more questions, you can leave them in the comments section or ask me on Twitter (Twitter.com/DeJuanDeJuan). I’d be more than happy to answer your questions. Remember, if at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself and try again…with somebody else. You’ll be glad you did.

Ladies, this one is exclusively for you. Guys, allow me to apologize in advance if this hurts your game in any way. But if what I’m about to explain offends you, then I’ve done my job. Inside the Male Brain is an attempt to explain why men do and think the way we do. I consider myself a good guy as do my friends and most women I’ve dated will admit. Because of that, many of my male and female friends come to me for advice to vent their frustrations, relationships, etc. So I figure, why not spend a week to discuss the issues that bother women the most. I took the liberty by asking a few female friends what their biggest pet peeve is or what questions they would like answered from men. Below are their questions and my answers. So, let’s get started. (Disclaimer: Not all men think or behave this way. So ladies proceed with reservation.)

1. Why do men feel the need to lie about their “friends”? If you’re just friends, why cover it up? By “friends”, let me take a wild guess and assume you’re referring to other chicks. I wouldn’t go about it by saying we’re lying per se, but we’re not being all the way honest. We get around it by saying those other chicks are just friends because it’s the truth, they are just friends. What we fail to mention is that those friends often times have benefits. Men don’t kiss and tell nearly as much as women do. So, we’re not really covering things up, we’re just telling you what we want you to know. (Now Playing: “She Don’t Have to Know” by John Legend. Watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUkRjIoVWmQ) Women can’t front because they do the same thing too. Stop me when I lie.

2. Why don’t men approach women with boldness like they used to? First off, what’s bold to you? What’s bold to me is stepping up to a woman and saying, “Aye shorty, how you doin this evening!? Where your man at tonight?” That’s bold! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a female complain on how a guy approached them, I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of the year. Plain and simple, men don’t like rejection. For some of us, just approaching you and introducing ourselves is bold. Mind you it all depends on the environment we’re in when we see you.

3. Why are men so lazy when it comes to dating? Now it seems like the guys are the pretty ones and we have to chase them. If you feel like you have to a chase a guy, that’s an automatic warning sign to steer clear of him. Be honest with yourself. I’m sure you’ve wondered why a few of your female friends have been interested in the “wrong” guy. Do yourself a favor and don’t be that girl. If you feel like you have to do the chasing, run the opposite direction. You’ll be glad you did. And if it feels like we’re being lazy, it’s probably because we are. Don’t waste your time.

4. Why are men so inconsistent and/or flaky? That’s funny. I could ask the same question about women. Truth be told, if you feel that way, chances are you’re not a priority in his life. We will gladly make time for women who mean the most to us. Being able to see through someone and know where you stand in their life is both a gift and a curse. Life goes on…

5. Why can’t men recover from a broken heart as fast as women can? You sound like a player the way you asked that question. This is an interesting question. I always figured women were the ones who couldn’t recover as quickly as men could. Many of my female friends have said they have seen their ex-boyfriend hugged up with a new woman not too long after their relationship. So what does that suggest? I’d say that men recover much quicker than women do after a broken heart.

to be continued…

As a man, I’m expected to be masculine, tough, and insensitive. However, the second we begin to show my emotions, those characteristics I mentioned are questioned. This post was inspired by two people, one of which is my dear colleague Mz. Simply Stylez. In her March 3rd blog post she wrote:

“The conversation made me re-realize that men are sensitive as fuck. How am I looking to a creature more sensitive than me for strength? I mean, no woman wants a man that is emotionless, however a lot of men harbor shit from past relationships, and then build all kinds of safe guards to protect their feelings, well, I guess women do the same thing, but what’s funny to me, is, I never really believe when a man is hurting because they are made out to be so MACHO and MASCULINE lol.” (Used by permission from: http://www.simplystylez.com/blog/?p=2031)

In response, if a male hides his emotions from you it could be a combination of quite a few things – albeit past relationships, family problems, etc. Being in a relationship requires a level of vulnerability people are not used to. Being vulnerable with your better half proves you trust them with your feelings, and in some cases, the secrets nobody else knows.

Pay no mind to Diddy and his “Bitchassness” campaign when I begin to display my emotions. When I was at the restaurant and approached you, I wasn’t alone – me, myself, and my emotions were also present. You just didn’t see them. As a man who has no problem showing his emotions, understand that when I do so I am giving you all of me. It’s the type of transparency women have publicly talked about for years. Again, I’m only one man and cannot make excuses for the rest of my gender. Ladies, if you’re interested to see if the guy you’re dating is honest with his emotions, try him out. I cannot promise or make any guarantee as to how he will act, however if he is honest and open with his emotions, it’s obvious he trusts you.

Even Ja Rule rapped, “When I cry, you cry, we cry together.” Reaching that point of vulnerability shouldn’t be rushed. Take your time; you’ll be glad you did.

P.S. Thanks Mz. Stylez and K.B. for the inspiration. You are appreciated.

How true is that? If your spouse is unwilling to fight through the difference in the relationship then you are only shadowboxing – fighting yourself.

We’ve become weak as a society. Divorce has become too easy. Dropping one dude just to pick up another is simple. He isn’t doing what you want him to do, well then leave him girl; there are too many fish in the sea. My parents have been married for 29 years and my grandparents 53 years. How were my parents able to dedicate nearly three decades and my grandparents half a century to each other? By FIGHTING! The first sign of a problem they didn’t bolt, they didn’t give up, they didn’t run. They fought. Goodness they didn’t give up after the hundredth sigh of a problem.

There are many definitions for the word fight but the kind of fighting I’m referring to is the same fighting you would do for your dreams, for your children, for that thing you are dedicated to. One definition given by Dictionary.com is as follows: fight - to contend in any manner; to strive vigorously. What a concept, we are willing to strive vigorously for objects: a bigger house, a better job, that red convertible; but many of us aren’t willing to strive vigorously for LOVE.

We all desire love of some kind, but we think it is going to be easy. Love IS easy. People are not. Fighting isn’t about constant arguing and bickering but about truly working to make your relationship work. Learning to work through conflict. Agreeing to disagree. Committing to love each other despite your spouse’s flaws. Currently I don’t have a romantic relationship to fight for but God willing when I do, I pray my spouse is in the ring with me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sBtKZprhkY

I had been really contemplating what I wanted to discuss this week for the past few days and I found myself stuck in a box. Do I tackle a Twitter trending topic and break it down? Do I stick with what I told myself I’d write after finishing last week’s blog? Or do I continue to brainstorm for a timely topic? That is when it all made sense – Don’t Talk, Just Listen.

How many of you are dealing with someone right now and you don’t know what you should do? I can only begin to imagine the thoughts running through your mind this very second. What do I do? Do I keep quiet? Do I confront them? Do I let it play out? Stop! Don’t talk, just listen. Enough with asking yourself 21 questions attempting to analyze your next move. The other person will give themselves away 9 times out of 10 and essentially make it much easier for you to make a decision. I can’t speak for everyone, but after practicing this, it’s worked for me 99% of the time. As humans it’s hard for us to do two things at once. When you’re moving your lips, your ears have a hard time working as well as they should. Zip it! Listen to what’s being said; watch the actions of the other individual. It was only a few minutes ago I ended a phone call I didn’t want to have but needed to have. I put in my two cents and listened the rest of the time and went from there. Am I happy with the outcome? Not really. But I can go on about my business and not be bothered with what just happened. It’s more of a relief than anything. Thanks! J

Secondly, for those who do a lot of talking, tone it down and really listen to yourself. If that’s too hard, record your conversation or think out loud and record what you’re saying. Pardon me for keeping it real, and I’m not sure if you know this or not, but don’t you sound like a fool when you played it back? I figured as much. Enough with the shenanigans! All that running your mouth is only making you look silly and often times foolish. Many of us have heard the saying, “A wise man said don’t argue with fools because a person from a distance can’t tell who is who.” Well, it’s the truth, whether you believe it or not.

Finally, realize that in order to be a great communicator, you have to be a great listener. A common problem within failed relationships is communication. Listening will make you a better communicator not just in your relationships, but on the job, at school, wherever you may be. I’m a work in progress just as you are as well; and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. But stop making yourself look and sound silly. Don’t talk, just listen. You’ll be glad you did.

Scenario One: Your live feed shows a TAGGED picture of a wanna be Nicki Minaj looking chic sitting in your man’s lap at “Club Shesaho”.

- Your thoughts: He said he was going to “Club Shesaho” with his boys… Now obviously there will be other females there but why the hell would he take a picture with this chic sitting on his lap… and why the hell does she not only TAG him but have it as her default picture… Disrespectful! WTF!! He got some explaining to do….

Scenario Two: Your live feed shows a TAGGED picture of your woman in that cute Hornets jersey you bought her posing in front of the restaurant “Hesbangher Too” and the restaurant’s window has a clear reflection of the photographer - your woman’s ex-man.

- Your thoughts: WTF!!! Why the hell is she still hanging with him? She said she was going to dinner and the game with some friends… I assumed these friends were “female” friends… WTF… She got some explaining to do…

We have to trust our man or woman but what do you do if faced with this situation? Would you confronting them about the pictures? Or let it slide because at the end of the day it’s only Facebook/Twitter/Myspace/BlackPlanet (Choose your poison)?

If you have a pint of your favorite ice cream in hand, and a spot on the couch as The Notebook (New Line Cinema/2004) is airing on the Lifetime Channel, chances are you’re a single female and still coping with the breakup over your ex-boyfriend. If you’re browsing through your photo albums and revisiting the memories you two share with Aaron Hall’s “I Miss You” on repeat, chances are you’re the ex-boyfriend I just mentioned. Enough coping, it’s time to move on! However, allow yourself time to heal as it’s one of the healthiest parts of the process. Being able to move forward with your life and meet new people is an important part in getting over an ex. With that being said, “How soon after one relationship has ended should you start dating again?”

This is not meant to be a “how-to-guide” on when it’s appropriate to begin dating other people but merely a few suggestions as to what may work for you. In research for this blog, I asked a few people their opinion on when was the right time to start dating after a relationship. Here are their responses:

April, 24, Lynchburg, VA: “Depending on how fast one is able to heal depends on how soon they could enter another relationship.”

Shanise, 28, Beverly Hills, CA: “I don’t think there is an actual ‘how soon’ but I do think there is a ‘too soon.’ I can’t give a definite 1 month, 6 months or a year answer because it varies per person. If it was a serious dating/exclusive relationship, I think you have to give yourself enough time to reflect and/or heal. You have to make sure you aren’t bringing baggage or hang-ups to the new situation. Or you’re not attempting to use the new person as an emotional filler for what you’re missing from the last situation – making them a rebound, if you will. It’s good to start dating when you have accepted and come to terms with the fact and reasons why the last relationship is over.”

Traveil, 25, Cerritos, CA: “You can’t put a length of months, days, hours, or minutes on something that is subjective like emotions. I think when you feel it’s healthy and safe then you should (start dating again); and that’s after the rebound date/sex/person.”

Kensie, 27, Kansas City, MO: “I think it depends on when that relationship was really over. Sometimes the love is gone way before the actual split.”

Jasmine, 23, Long Island, NY: “I mean all I can really say is that it depends on the situation at hand. If it wasn’t worth ya while and if both of you weren’t in it to win it, then I’d start dating soon after. But if it was something meaningful but just didn’t work out, then I’d have to wait a while.”

Truth of the matter is none of these people are wrong about their answers. I find it important that recently single individuals do their best to avoid a cookie cutter approach to entering the dating scene again. Meaning, taking the same approach all the time every time is not the way to go. In other words, every situation you come out of and enter is going to be different than any other one you’ve been in. Of course, there will be similarities in the people you are interested in, but again, everyone is different. So how soon after one relationship has ended should one start dating again? I’d say as soon as you have made a commitment to yourself first and foremost to not bring the emotional baggage you have with your ex into the dating situation.  I understand it’s much easier said than done and it’s nothing that should be rushed, however, I find it healthier to conquer those emotions and put them to rest. It is after that I suggest you carefully begin to take baby steps with your new interest.

More than anything, understand before you can make anyone else happy you have to be happy yourself. If you still find yourself having a mental rendezvous of the times you two had, I’d suggest holding off on inviting someone new into your life. In contrast, if the thought of your ex does nothing for you whatsoever, now might be a good time to test the open waters and start fishing. Whatever your case may be, good luck – I wish you nothing but the best!